16. Chaadni Ratey - Al Afuw (The Pardoner) Noor Jahan (Pakistan)/Bat for Lashes (UK)
Me and My Dad
My dad died 5 years today………what to say…he died in Pakistan so I never got any closure. I loved my dad very much and you could say I was a daddy’s girl. But my dad was a very difficult man with complex mental health issues. There were days I wished he would die. I guess I'm still making sense and learning. Someone once said to me every family has a storyteller. I think I am the storyteller in my family. The way my dad was, the problems he caused, the relationship with siblings still impacts my life today. When I think of my dad I only remember the time I gave to him. The stories about this life he would tell me. The chores I did for him and how my respect and love for him remained. Recently I learnt about my father and what he would have felt like as a husband and that was not very nice at all. I guess today at his anniversary I can only measure how much more work I need to do. The work I am doing is understanding the story of my life and making changes so to achieve a different outcome. I hope overtime the story can become the erasing of all, fault, blame, pain etc. as described in the 81st name Al Afuw (The Pardoner).
"Al-Afuw is the perfection of divine forgiveness. It does not even notice fault. Al Afuw can be compared to the wind completely easing the footprints in the desert and, as if no one had ever walked there. This image is one of the physical plane meanings that its root takes. Al afuw is to completely forgive with a trace of residue. No resentment, memory or impression is left to obscure your heart or mind. Such forgiveness requires the easing of the “I” that is usually clung to in the thought, “I” forgive you”."
I cant say that I miss you dad but I do know that I love you. You went through a lot and I understand some of your journey and experience. I just want to make you proud. I pray you are in a better place. Each time I kiss the back of my sons hand when he sits next to me I recall how you would kiss the back of my hand when I would sit next to you. This is the memory of you that lives on in me and I can feel you. I know how much you loved music. Here is your favourite by Noor Jahan. I will tell your Grandson about your stories and the music you loved.
Please dedicate your songs and tributes to people you have lost here. I heard this Bat for Lashes song today which helped musically express some of the mixed up emotions I feel today.